She’s back back back after her sabbatical (ahem cough cough boob job cough) to answer your Eurovision woes. Yes folks your only Eurovision Agony Aunt, Sheila Fitzpatrick is back in action.

Don't forget to pre-order your new action figure

p.s. Put you address up here and let people come down to Kerry ……..Its nice having nasty things done to you sometimes lol xx

Sheila and a Turkey

Aunty, Are you going to Dusseldorf this year? Will it be with bells and ribbons on as well?
John form Cork

John who have you been talking to! Its true I am going to Dusseldorf and yes it will be with bells, ribbons, make up false breasts and eye lashes and pretty much anything else I can get on my person to get me noticed……….If I dont get to sing backing vocals and sit in the green room I will vomit………..I mean who wouldn’t want Madoona Lucia and myself up there oooohhhhhiinnnnnnng and aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhiiing our cold balck hearts out for all of europe to see………I think we would fit really well in with the Vard sisters dont you. ???? its also (on the qt) my 21st birthday.

Dusseldorf, are you ready?

Ahem… So muti parties for the week I am there, we have a gaggle of people going from Limerick including …gays/lesbians/fag bangles/curios a few alco’s  and down right weirdos ( I love you dearly Sarah Jane Lynch but your a weirdo ). So if Ireland dont make the left hand side of the score board on saturday night…they will have the Limerick contingent to deal with and that aint pretty……I mean have you seen Madonna Lucia at the end of a night -Frightening. I am really lookign forward to it…..Pity we are staying in a shed though……….Geez the price of a bed in Dusseldorf is scandalous.

Oh toughie. Alan I am so thrilled italy are back but a class of raging they got straight into the final. I bet you the Russians are furious. But all things considered I think Luxembourg were good in their day and lets be honest nobody really knows them for anything else or even where it is other then Eurovision and would you ever feck off with the new countries, havent we enough of em? T’would be funny though to have some of the midlle east countries in like the Lebanon or Syria, can u imagine the stand off between them and the Israelis at the venue. T’would be like Tipp and Cork in the hurling !!!!!!!!!

If you have any questions for Aunty Sheila then please leave a comment below.

Aunties back Darlings!!! She took time out of her busy schedule of flash dances and packing her wigs for Oslo to answer your questions. Don’t you feel special you lucky lucky people

If you have any problems or have any questions that Aunty can help with then please submit them here.

Stephen from Cork.

My question is if you could choose to have 5 Eurovision  stars at a dinner party, (living or dead), that you would throw (which would no  doubt be spectacular, 3 courses), who would they be, why  and what would you cook?

Hi Stephen ………….Am glad you said would be spectacular……NO Doubt

And 5 is too small for my Eurovision dinner party so I would ask a few more

1  Sertab Erener from Turkey……Cos she is tiny and wouldn’t take up too much space.

2. Charlotte Nielson/Perille from Sweden……..Cos she “smiles” all the time

3. Dana International from Israel…………..No explanation needed

4. Angelica Agurbash from Belarus………….The only other woman I know who can match me for costume changes

5. Ramon from Spain……………………..Shirtless and serving the drinks.

6.Lena Phillipson and Carola ……………Just to see the Swedish Diva catfight

7. Verka ………………………..Just to tell her to GET OFF MY LOOK BITCH !!!!!!

8. Dustin the Turkey………….We will  put a sign around his neck labelled “what were we thinking “

9. Masha and Pascha from Kiev 2005 the funniest and drollest hosts ever…..” I am close to heart attack” CLASSIC

10. Lordi from Finland to keep everyone distracted whilst I take Sakis from Greece upstairs to show him my”Shake Shake Shake”moves ….and hopefully this is our night ….ahem !!!

As for food with that “pot pourri” of Eurovision greatness I would not be cooking….Champagne and Strawberries all the way.

Would love to invite Chiara from Malta but am afraid there would be no table big enough for both her and me….tee hee !!!!

Yet another Stephen from Cork (What are we doing, breeding  clones down here?)

Will Ireland ever win Eurovision again?

Ahhh Stephen you fabulously curious Euro freak..In a nutshell of course we will !!!!!

Have faith To be honest up to 2007 I though we would never again get to the top

But after the shennanigans of Ukraine with Wild Dances and the Lordi Monsters from Finland I thought the contest was going down the road of just performance and what the viewers see rather then hear (although I thought both of those entries were good ones)

However in 2007 a fantastic singer with an uber fabulous ballad from Serbia bought the contest back to basics Excellent singer excellent song I know the Serbs got some highly partisan votes from neighbours etc and the songs  staging definitely helped them but you have to admit it was an uplifting song and deffo one of my favourite winners EVER The ballad has made a spectacular come back…….

Look at Iceland last year Again a fantastic entry and in my eyes probably would have been a  better winner then the fiddle playing Belarusian I think we in Ireland lost the run of ourselves in 2004-2008 with our less then worthy entries (although I loved Donna and Joe)I think in 2009 with Black Daisy we are getting it right again and this year …..well what can I say Excellent singer excellent song.

We have our best chance this year in a long time and if Niamh performs well which I am sure she will , we get a good draw in the final and are kept away from the Norwegian entry ….do not be a bit surprised to be hearing Niamh opening next years show in the 02 (or Thomond Park).

John from Birmingham

Dear Sheila, I want to be able to dance like Måns Zelmerlöw, I would ask for dancing lessons off of him but the barring order says I cannot get within 100 feet of him. What’s a boy to do?

?

Dear John a barring order wouldn’t stop me getting near that sexy little “MANS”…..YUMMY………….and I am surprised you being from Birmingham letting a little thing like that get in the way….you brummies are normally very “resourceful”..Believe me I know !!!!

But fret not young John….here are my top tips for getting up close and personal with Mr Zemlerlow.

1. Wash your wig
2. Put on your slap
3. Get your stilettos out from the back of the wardrobe
4. Put on your most fabulous dress
5. Bring your portable wind machine and set it on “hurricane force” and get yourself over the Mans house
6. Pretend you are Carola and that you want to do a duet for next years Melodifestivalen
7. Within no time I am sure you will be doing a fantastic 2 step together

Well that’s what happened to Andreas Johnson allegedly.

If you have any problems or have any questions that Aunty can help with then please submit them here.

Aunty is back Darlings! She got stuck in Iceland for the last week and you’ll all be glad to know that all charges have now been dropped. Any rumours of volcanic eruptions and her coincidental visit have now been quashed…

If you have any problems or have any questions that Aunty can help with then please submit them here.

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Peter from Cork asks:

“I often find the dancers to be the main attraction at Eurovision; I’m thinking of last year’s centurions for Ukraine. Why do i seem to focus on the gyrating men in the background and not the person singing their hearts out?”
Peter my dear I ask what is the problem with this ?

To answer your question I will take a two pronged answer.

1

Yes the “Anti Crisis Girl” was nothing short of a prozzy onstage….but the men more then made up for her performance.YUMMY…and what about helena’s greek lads a few years back pppphhhhooooaaaarrrr !!!!!

of course its not always the case.

Remember Kenan Dougulu from turkey …that cheeky little scamp could “shake it up shikarem” me any time….never once looked at the dancers….and I know you may find this strange but lead singer with Greenjolly from the Ukraine in 2005 was a bit of a meat head but he deffo turned my head that year and I didn’t even notice the “cute” jailbait hip hop dancers onstage with him. Of course who can forget sakis…..and shake shake shake…….again I didn’t even see the 2 bit hookers stripping him on stage….and who can forget Mr Unibrow Alexander from last year…..I never thought I would find unibrows and a fiddle attractive…….but my that lad could work it…….again the 2 blonde barefoot backers in pink didn’t even register in my brain……apart from their fabulous hair of course and the “tra la’s”……lol.

If of course both the singer and the dancers are woeful you are in trouble….

Who said “Dervish”

2

Some of the singing is crap and the dancers are the only thing going for the performance………………Angelica Agurbash / Sibel Tuzun anyone !!!

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Stephen from Cork:

“Why do I always end up knowing the words to all the Eurovision Songs every year?”

Hi Stephen…………Your like me…………I even know the words of all the “foreign” language song which is great fun to listen to.

You should hear my version of “Molitva” its flawless.

Now to answer your question again , there are two possible answers.

A good eurovision song especially the chorus should be remembered after 1 listen.

Some are so easy 5 year olds in primary school would remember em…..i.e.”Dinga ding dong”………”La La la”………”Love” !!!”and the song that every 5 year old child in primary school should be singing….”Diva” .

Then we move on to the song titles generally always repeated repeated and repeated they are made that way to stick in your brain….

”Im in love with a fairytale”…….

“Rock and roll angels bring thine hard rock hallelujah”

“You are the one you’re my number 1”

”Every way that I can.”
Bet you know all those ones don’t you ?

Yes indeed a good eurovision song is made to stick in your brain.

If its brutal it wont stick in your brain.

For example I bet you don’t know the words to “Tyolki ellaa” from Finland this year…

One reason …………its shite !!!!!!

And answer number 2 to your question……………………………………………….

Your queer dear !!!!!!!!

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Michael from Dublin:
“Sheila I’m torn between going to Oslo and staying at home and getting drunk on vodka, any advice?”

Oh darling Michael (I love that name Michael), why not have the best of both worlds….Go to Oslo and get drunk on vodka there!!

To anyone who hasn’t made a eurovison song contest before…if you have to sell your mother and father to go DO IT.

It is the most fun you will ever have with your clothes on ….

And with the amount of Mary’s that go to it you will of course get a chance to get your clothes off as well.

I realise Oslo is scandalously expensive but as I said it would be well worth your while…even if you cant get a ticket for the show itself.

Somewhere like Oslo will be Eurovision-mad and craic will be had everywhere in the city.

If all else fails and you are stuck here in Ireland – unfortunately the vast majority of Irish people don’t “get” the eurovision – so a night out to see the competition can sometimes be a bit of a let down …fabulous glamour on one screen and ‘Prime Time’ on the other….disgraceful…….

So my advice would be get to the offie , have the dinner at half five , so you have a free run of the evening, invite all the euro geeks/nerds (and me) , get sloshed and enjoy the best night of the year.

Note to self …..check ebay and see how the bids are going for Mam and Dad.

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If you have any problems or have any questions that Aunty can help with then please submit them here.

Hi Eurovision freaks and geeks………………..It’s me your favourite Eurowhore here……..Aunty Sheila…….I have had loads of jobs in my time but agony aunt for Eurovision has to be my favourite……!!!!!!!!!!!

Any queries , concerns ,worries or criticism are welcome and hopefully I can put your minds to rest over all kinds of everything !!!

There is no clear winner this year and I can’t make up my mind. Please help as it is all terribly confusing, how do I choose my song? Is there anyone I avoid like the pox?

Oh dear , I feel your pain………….I felt the very same while all the National finals were going on. There I was on any given night , internet ready , me poised to get an Ani Lorak,Carola,Charlotte or Urban Symphony esque performance to follow and cheer and learn for my next performance . Alas how disappointed was I ???

But all was not lost after a few weeks and listening to all the entries I eventually came up with quite a few hotties to follow.

Azerbaijan and Drip Drop this year is quite commercial and very easy on the ear.

For a bit of a boogie with the glow sticks everybodies favourite Hera from Iceland would have you bopping in the aisles.

For a throw back to the eighties and for the fact that they love their Eurovison so much you could do a lot worse then Cheer on Denmark’s “In a moment like this !”

For an ethnic /bastardised euro tune…..Opa from Greece will keep you happy or if you have soft spot for the easy listening latch onto Jonny from Cyprus or even Tom Dice with his guitar !!!!

And if your still at a loss do the patriotic thing and support our own red haired Diva chanteuse….Niamh Kavanagh.

This is our BEST entry for years and provided the “drag queen” rig out is dumped for the semi final, I fully expect to see us sailing into Saturdays final with a strong top 5 finish and if the gods (and the juries) are smiling on us a possible surprise win !!!!

So do your patriotic duty and dust off that tricolour flag you have been hiding since Italia ’90 and be out and proud for our girl.!

Remember YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU !!!!

As for to avoid like the pox…………..Russia , The UK and Slovenia

…………Nuff said…..  UTTER SHITE

Could Ireland ever have a Melodifestivalen event or are we just not fabulous enough for it?

Speak for yourself sweetie !!!!!!!!!OF course we could have a Melodifestivalen event.I mean we have the ever fabulous All Ireland Talent Show don’t we ?

(insert expletives  here)

Picture the venues Thomond Park, The 02 , The New Aviva Stadium , The Green Glens in Millstreet , The INEC in Killarney

Picture the presenters Yours truly of course……….who else would you be thinking of?

Picture the interval acts….Veda Beaux Reeves , Ms Panti , Riverdance (AGAIN) Crystal Swing ,

Picture the acts maybe doing various styles on a particular night.

Traditional Music 1 night (possibly in Killarney this would work best)

Rock another

Cheese/Europop in the 02 of course

Dance for all the pill monsters

Ballads of course in the Green Glen

One winner every night then 2 wildcards and what a fabulous final we could have in Croker !!!!!

(me presenting of course)

In order to do this  we will need to change broadcasters ……….TG4 do a lovely Glas Vegas programme ..guffawwwwwwww.

In a nutshell YES we are fabulous enough………….Believe it !!!!!!!!

How gay is too gay for Eurovision ?

Gay and Eurovision go together hand in hand .Through the years we have had the gayers ( too man to mention here)

The lessers (Serbia 2007)

drag queens like D.Q. and Angelica Agurbash ,

a fabulous transsexual Dana……sorry Dana International

Queer air crew a la Scooch and Sestre ,

the unsure like Sakis (tee hee)

note to Sakis BODY POPPING IS UNCOOL ONCE YOU ARE OVER 18 and ………….male

and even Deen “In the disco” from Bosnia Herzegovina

but nothing has or ever will compare to

HUNGARY 2009 Zoli Adak and “Dance with me”

Jesus that boy even made me in the frock the heels the bra the tights the fake lashes and the giant pus of make up look butch……I mean the second skin pink vest top and the green flares………PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSEEEE

Yes I do fear that Zoli was indeed TOO gay for Eurovision.

(even gayer then Sylvia Nightt !!!!!)

If you have any problems or have any questions that Aunty can help with then please submit them to here