Hit of the Day: Cry, Cry, Baby

In honour of awful British crimes against humanity (see Frank’s earlier post) let’s remember the Greatest Crime of All…

And now, why we secretly kind of love, love, love Cry Cry Baby

• 0:00 – The opening strumming of the Spanish guitar is kind of promising…
• 0:10 – But ohoh! The heifers in black parading around do not bode well!
• 0:20 – EUROVISION GOLD! Love, love’s not enough. In some alternative universe, where the laws of Physics are very, verydifferent, Jessica is in tune. And it’s considered acceptable to wear ice skating costumes in public. But look at her face; she knows she bombed.
• 0:22 – Oh dear, Chris is doing some Joe McCaul dancing with the middle aged Scouse backing dancers. I wonder is one his Mum? She must be so proud.
• 0:28 – Ew, she’s going down on her fag. Bad fag-hag. Bad fag-hag! Your cheap fake tan will rub off all over his cheap white shirt!
• 0:33 – Is Chris having a seizure? Maybe he’s some quirky oddball with the voice of an angel to rescue this mess…
• 0:37 – Maybe not…
• 0:50 – Amazingly, she’s gone even further off key!
• 1:00 – Come on! Ooh, it speaks! I bet Chris considers himself butch.
• 1:15 – Remember when all the gays had bleached mullets? The mid naughties were a dark time for Gay Crimes Against Hairstyling.
• 1:20 – The man with the Spanish guitar seems more and more like the banjo player from Deliverance.
• 1:28 – Ok, secretly… I kind of adore the dance routine. It’s British Chav Schlager!
• 1:42 – Oh dear, the three old slappers and the two up front are now singing in five different keys. Harmonizing they ain’t.
• 1:48 – Bye bye baby. Cry cry baby. Bye bye baby. Baby bye bye. The people who wrote this are presumably native English speakers? Dear God…
• 2:00 – She’s going down on the fag again…
• 2:11 – Backing dancers clapping their hands in the air like seals! Not one drunk poof in the auditorium can be bothered to join in! Where were the Schlagerboys???
• 2:14 – COME ON LATVIA! *tumbleweed in the hall*
• 2:25 – Baby Bye Byeeeeeeeeeeee. Worst key change ever! Although the impact is invariably lost when you’ve been wandering in and out of many different keys, some only audible to small Latvian rodents for the past two minutes.
• 2:48 – Does Chris need to pee? That’s what I used to do when I was five years old and needed to go but didn’t want to leave the dancefloor.
• 2:55 – Oh yeah, don’t wanna cry no more. Oooh, it’s getting a bit R’n'B! Chris is urban. He’s relevant.
• 3:02 – Oh, poor, poor Jessica. Look at her wee face! Chris is in seventh heaven (he probably thinks his impromptu dance moves and R’n'B bit at the end went down a treat) but she knows, SHE KNOWS she’s just bought herself a life serving Maccie Dee’s in Merseyside.

So, so bad, but kind of fabulous in its own way.